got to interview
the wonderful comedy group called The Beards,
I get taken back stage and meet 3 of the band
who introduce themselves for me thusly;
Johan Beardraven and I’m the lead singer,
I’m Nathanial Beard and I’m the
bass player, lead bass. I’m Facey Mcstublington
and I play rhythm and lead guitars, 2 guitars.
you give us a brief history of the band for people
reading this who might have just come across your
Nathanial: We’re a pro beard propaganda
band, and we formed in South Australia in 2005
and when we did we set out to wage war on all
those who shaved and try and convince as many
people as possible to grow beards, and ever
since we’ve been playing songs about growing
beards to people around the world and convincing
people one face at a time to grow a beard.
guys are all about growing beards, who would you
say has the most impressive beard in the band?
And do you ever mix up your styles?
Johan: We do mix up our styles
Nathanial: But we do make a point of not ranking
out beards, because having a beard isn’t
a competition having a beard is state of mind
and a way of life.
Johan: We’ve all got such good beards
in our own ways, it’s not just about length
it’s about thickness, density, smell,
touch, moistness, waft.
Nathanial: Softness, hardness and all types
of things, we don’t like beard competitions
either as we don’t like the idea of bearded
men competing against each other, we think that
bearded men should be competing against beardless
men and dominating them in every circumstance.
you might be able to tell, my editor wrote these
questions and he is beardless.
Nathanial: They do sound like beardless questions,
and that put me off a little as you’ve
got a great beard, and it’s always an
honour to be interviewed with someone with a
great beard as yourself.
Facey: I think perhaps you should start editing,
because really if your boss doesn’t have
a beard then really you are his boss.
Nathanial: Ah the old adage is true.
advice would you give to your fans who want to
grow beards as impressive as yours?
Johan: Nothing, just do nothing and you will
grow a beard as good as us.
Nathanial: Well if you wanted a beard as good
as us, then you should have started growing
one seven years ago, that would be a good start
Johan: But, you should also listen to the beards,
it’s proven to help stimulate follicles.
Facey: And buy our merchandise, every t-shirt
you buy is another cm on your beard, give or
take, that’s science and there’s
a bit of leeway either side.
Nathanial: But yeah, it’s mainly about
waiting for your beard to come, and to avoid
that’s how I’ve got mine, without
shaving for the past year and a half,
Nathanial: It works a treat
Facey: You look great
so you know I’ll keep asking for compliments
throughout the interview.
All: You won’t need to ask, they’ll
be coming your way anyway.
have three studio albums out and they are all
crammed with songs about beards, what would you
say your favourite songs you have created so far
are and why?
Johan: That’s a good question, and great
beard by the way. I really like a song called,
I think Beards Are Great, and it sums up our
attitude towards beards. It also has the word
beard in it about 39 times, count it, which
is a good amount of beard. There’s a song
on the new album called, I Have A Beard And
It Looks Really Good, which will blow people’s
minds, it really sums up what where all about
Nathanial: I also like a song from our second
album called, Beards Don’t Kill People,
People With Beards Kill People.
Facey: That’s one of my favourite songs
Johan: It really sums up what where all about
Facey: and it also says bad things happen buts
let not blame the beard. The beards not at fault.
Nathanial: Nor can it ever be at any time.
And you have a very nice beard if we haven’t
are currently working on your fourth studio album
what can you tell us about that?
Nathanial: It’s about beards.
Johan: It’s really quite about beards.
Nathanial: I think it will go down in history
as being the definitive beard related concept
Johan: We looked at our current situation a
little while ago, and though to ourselves three
albums about beards is not enough, its bullshit
it what it is.
Nathanial: It’s a really crappy output
on our part
Johan: We feel we haven’t begun to scratch
the surface on our love for beards and our feeling
for beards. This album we’re taking it
to the next level about our desire to have beards.
Natanial: Our first three albums are very much
about beards, but if you listen to our new album
in comparison to our old ones it would seem
those albums where not about beards at all.
Johan: You go back and listen to them and be
like, what the fuck is this!
athanial: Yeah but still go and buy them.
Johan: Yeah you should buy our albums and you
will have a really good beard.
have written so many songs about beards do you
now find it tougher or easier when writing new
Nathanial: Was that question written by the
Nathanial: See they just don’t understand
Johan: They just don’t understand how
much we like beards.
Facey: It actually gets easier every day
Nathanial: As does everything when you have
a beard. Like I get better at everything every
single day my beard grows. I’m faster,
I’m smarter, I’m stronger, I’m
taller, I’m larger, I’m slightly
Johan: You have a more superior air about you.
Nathanial: I’m more confident, I’m
better at bigging myself up, I can sing higher
and faster, I’m better at writing lists
and better at writing songs about beards, I’m
you have been touring mainland Europe since the
beginning of the month, how has the tour been
and what has been your highlight from it so far?
Johan: There’s been some good highlights,
Nathanial: Your beard is right up there, and
I would say that since we’ve come over
to do these shows your beard has been the best
beard on an interviewer.
Johan: We saw a really good beard in Germany.
Nathanial: Oh yeah… but I might be thinking
of a different guy
Johan: It doesn’t matter
Nathanial: Germany had some amazing beards,
and it was great to play in places we hadn’t
played before like some parts of Germany and
the Netherlands, and it’s great to see
that the majority continental Europe is abuzz
with a beard fever, which I assume will never
is the first show from your UK tour, what can
we expect from the show?
Facey: Songs about beards.
Nathanial: Lots of beard stroking, we will
be stroking our beards, each other’s beards
and the audience’s beards, and they’ll
be stroking out beards and each other’s
beards and their own beards.
Johan: And if anyone has the audacity to come
near the stage without a beard, then we will
quickly make an example of them.
Nathanial: We will take them down. We will
Johan: We will also be previewing a couple
of songs from our new album too.
the upcoming album have a name?
Johan: It looks like at this stage we will
be calling it The Beard Album, which I think
is representative of how beardy the album really
Nathanial: We wouldn’t do that if we
didn’t think this was the ultimate beard
related album. I mean, we thought about calling
each of our first 3 The Beard Album, but they
weren’t quite beardy enough to justify
Johan: You don’t call your album the
“blank” album, whatever colour or
beard in our case, without it being a career
defining move and I think we’ve done this,
with this album.
Nathanial: The White Album was definitely the
whitest album, the whitest sounding album ever
and this will be the beardiest album ever. And
The White Album is our favourite Beatles album,
as they had the beardiest beards during that
album, except for Paul McCartney who is a traitor
to himself and bearded men everywhere.
Facey: He’s barely in the band as far
as I’m concerned.
Johan: You often go on your Paul McCartney
Nathanial: It’s just I know he can grow
a great beard, I’ve seen pictures of him
with a beard, but he seemed to have a fleeting
relationship with his beard.
Facey: All the rest went on to do huge things,
there still thriving today. I’d prefer
to be all 3 of them rather than him.
All: You have a good beard by the way. Excellent
UK show finishes with a double whammy of shows
at the Borderline in London, do you have anything
special planned for these shows?
Nathanial: Gee that seems like a long way away
Facey: Well you know what we said about what
to expect tonight? Well just cut and paste that
in there as its going to be really similar.
Johan: I’m expecting it to reach a bearded
fever pitch when we reach London.
Nathanial: I’ve noticed with each show
we play I’m becoming more pro beard, and
I thought at the start of the tour I was as
pro beard as humanly possible.
Johan: I thought that to, but you blew that
out the water.
Nathanial: Each night I get more, fanatical
with my bearded views.
Johan: Our beards will also be at the maximum
lengths for the tour.
Nathanial: So our London shows will be quite
‘John Beardman Jr walks into the room’
Nathanial: John Beardman Jr everybody
‘All the band start to clap’
John: Aw man fucking look at this beard!
John: I left because I thought the guy interviewing
us didn’t have a beard.
Nathanial: No the guy who wrote the questions
doesn’t have a beard.
John: Well fuck that, I’m out of here.
Nathanial: The questions aren’t much,
but the interviews going great.
John: Well I’ll stay; he’s got
a great beard.
do shows in the UK compare to those back in Australia?
Nathanial: Well the shows are bigger in Australia
Johan: The bearded to non-bearded ratio over
here is greater than in Australia
Nathanial: You mean in the crowd?
Nathanial: Some of the German shows, I looked
out into the audience I could hardly any beardless
men and most of the woman had beards too.
John: Good woman in Germany.
Nathanial: Most where fake, but most were quite
convincing. Great beard by the way.
in October you announced that you had to cancel
your North America and Canada tour due to the
US immigration denying you performance visas have
you got to the bottom of this issue now and will
you be able to return in the near future?
Johan: Where still working through that, people
who work in those organisations are quite beardless
so they struggle to get anything done.
Nathanial: The US Government in general are
quite the beardless organisation they’ve
never liked beards and they’re scared
of our message and what we could stare up in
John: And they’re right to be scared.
Nathanial: They are, because once people realise
it’s about beards, then they’re
Johan: They’re beardless regime will
be over. But no, we are hoping to get over there
this year at some point.
you met someone who had never heard of The Beards
what one song would you ask them to listen to,
to understand what the band are all about?
Nathanial: I would recommend they listen to
No Beard No Good, good song.
Johan: That sums up what where all about.
Nathanial: That’s almost our mission
Johan: You could listen to any of our songs,
as they’re just great!
Facey: They really sum up what where all about.
All: Beards are what we are all about, and
nice beard by the way.
do you have planned for the rest of the year?
Nathanial: After we release our album, we will
Johan: Growing our beards
Nathanial: Well the whole time we’ll
be growing our beards.
Johan: That’ll be our number one focus,
anything we do outside of growing and maintaining
our own beards will be purely coincidental.
Nathanial: But we will be doing a big Australia
tour to launch the album, and then we will follow
that up with shows in other countries.
Facey: And maybe back here.
Johan: Pretty likely to be back here before
the end of the year.
Nathanial: Most likely this country and countries
in this countries vicinity
Johan: There’s allot of countries close
to each other hear, which is weird for us.
John: Great beard by the way
Nathanial: Oh yeah you do have a good one.
last random question that we ask every band, if
you could be an animal out of a zebra or Giraffe
which one would you be and why?
Nathanial: A Lion, because it’s got a
Johan: But if it is just out of those two,
it would be giraffe though as it’s got
longer to grow its beard.
Nathanial: yeah a giraffe could grow a heaps
long beard. And you’ve got a good beard
Johan: Lion, no our final answer is Lion.
Facey: Bearded Dragon.
All: That’s a good one
Facey: that’s a good animal too.
Nathanial: A billy goat that’s a good
Johan: Beard, oh sorry I thought we were just
for your time is there a message for your fans
Johan: We’d like them to know that you’ve
got a really good beard.
Nathanial: And I’ve got a message for
everyone, if you don’t have a beard then
‘Everyone then stands up and says good
job and shakes each other’s hand before
telling me again that I have a good beard’
Interview by James Daly